Drifting, not Swimming.

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The past two months have been a whirlwind. A crazy, scary, unexpected, heartbreaking but beautiful whirlwind.

I don’t even know where to begin, I suppose at the beginning. I had plans of weekly posts, but that just didn’t happen.  As a result, I feel the disconnect and drifting away from what God has called me to do.

I became so absorbed in my problems, my pain, my life that I no longer wanted to write anymore. To write was to feel and it was too hard sometimes to continue to be that vulnerable.

It is no secret that earlier this year I vowed to step away from pursuing MY agenda in my ministry.  (read that post HERE) That still rings true today, but I would be amiss not to admit that I’ve felt empty lately, like a void has started to grow and I’ve been using magnification of my problems to prevent me from moving forward. Drifting not swimming.

When you don’t feel good, you don’t want to do anything. And when you don’t feel like doing anything you don’t do anything. With everything going on around me, I found it easier to retreat to my comfort zone, doing anything that I could use to take my mind of things going on.

Talking through things with friends is one thing, but it is another thing to write and allow myself to experience these feelings that are bubbling below the surface.

Let me start with some GOOD NEWS:

Some of you may or may not know that my husband and I are expecting! This news came as a shock to us, but we are overjoyed and excited (and a little scared!)

Baby Miller Announcement

To think that there is a new life growing inside of me is a beautiful, amazing miracle. This timing of this baby is a tiny blessing in the midst of a storm.

That’s what gets me, that this innocent life is growing inside of me, and knowing that in 6 months it will be time to expose him or her (we don’t know the sex yet) to this world.

This broken world. The reality of addiction. The reality of broken families. Disease. Divorce. Division.

In the middle of the storm there is a calm. My family is falling apart, but in the middle of it all God has blessed me with this tiny miracle inside of me. My baby is my calm. My baby is my “safe place”.

It makes me want to do better. It makes me want to be better. But I have no idea what I’m doing.  If there is one lesson that I’ve learned these past couple months it’s that I have no control over anyone or anything.

Every attempt to help others or to smooth out situations by playing peacemaker falls short every time. The only way for people to change is for God to change them. The only way for people to heal is for God to heal them. (yes, God uses people to do this often, but there is a difference between being used by God and using God as an excuse to try to control someone else.)

All of this to say that I need to get back to writing regularly. Satan has tried to take my circumstances and leave me feeling defeated and discouraged, but I say NO MORE! I am choosing to rise above and follow through with the purpose God has placed inside of me, which means expressing myself through the written word.

I’m in need of new inspiration. Inspiration that doesn’t keep me hostage to my own thoughts, but allows me to continue to give back to others.

The only way we can truly help people is to pray for them, and if you’ve ever watched the movie, War Room you’ve seen the power of prayer displayed in that movie. That movie then inspired the book, “Fervent”.

“Fervent” is about serious, specific and strategic prayer and learning how to apply this to your prayer life now. This tittle actually includes the words, “battle plan”. That is what I need right now, and battle plan, a war strategy to face the enemy in prayer.

The following is a excerpt from my scattered written response the day I found out about my dad’s relapse:

Well guess what? Life is hard, DEAL WITH IT!  What hurts the most is knowing that you chose to do this. You had life out of addiction and WERE WALKING IN THE LIGHT and instead you purposefully choose darkness. Well darkness will not overcome the light.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5 

I will not be overcome with evil but I will over come evil with good. As mad as I am at him I will not let the enemy bring me down, our enemy is not flesh and blood but instead the very real forces of evil.

I will fight evil the only way I know how. ON MY KNEES. ON MY FACE. Praying for his deliverance and praying for his return to healing and recovery. He gave up the fight and let the temptation of the past get the better of him.

I will fight for him through prayer.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

It’s true that I pray for him everyday, but this is a matter of life and death and it’s time for me to step up my game. It’s time to not just go through the motions of prayer, but to have a plan to prepare for battle.

My friend and I have decided to read this book together and blog about our experiences and discuss the book together through facebook and blog posts.

It’s time for me to put my money where my mouth is, and no longer say I’m going to do it, but actually do it. It’s time for me to pray ON MY KNEES. ON MY FACE.

I am done drifting. I am going to start swimming.

So friends, I invite you on this journey with me, through the book, “Fervent”. I pray that as God speaks to me through this book, I am able to amp up my prayer life and it empowers you to do the same. Stay tuned for more updates!

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One thought on “Drifting, not Swimming.

  1. Continue to write Stephanie. It is hard when you are in pain, but now that you’ve made the decision (yay!), God will give you the courage you need,

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