Wow! I just noticed that it has been since November 8th since I posted! So much has happened since then, one thing is that I am no longer training to be a life coach, I am now a certified growth coach (which I happen to like the name better than life coach anyway)
The weeks from early November until now have been all over the place, good, bad, beautiful, ugly, happy and sad. When I started coaching internship is when I let things slack, but it is also when I grew the most in understanding my identity in Christ. I specifically grew the most when I was challenged with specific feedback towards the end of the program.
My trainer gave me feedback one week during my 3-way session with her and my peer coach to get out of “task-mode” and becoming more emotionally in tune with the client. I thought at first this was strange, since I know that I have a tendency to become TOO emotionally involved and invested when client’s share their stories. Apparently I was working hard not to absorb their emotion too much and it came across as “checking off boxes” and moving from step to step of the model we were taught to use. I listened to a recording of my coaching session with my internship client and saw that she was correct, you could hear the mental shift in my voice and it proved to be disengaging.
That next week I coached as many people as I could (that would let me) trying to focus on emotional tone and not to switch over to logical tone. When the next peer session came around I thought for sure that I had nailed it, she gave us a practice session before we went into our actual sessions and during that time is when I lost it.
The feedback I was getting was I still wasn’t emotionally invested and it did not seem like I was engaged (which could not have been farther from the truth!) I didn’t understand what she was talking about! I had changed my voice to be low, non-threatening and nurturing and now she said that it was emotionless, well what in the world was she looking for?! I didn’t know and at that point, I just lost it. Everything became too much to handle and my feelings were hurt and I was confused to the point where I had a breakdown.
I will spare some of the details, but basically I was crying so hard and so uncontrollably that it was hard to breathe. I was unable to be coached because a whole host of emotions overtook me and it was overwhelming. Luckily, I had a chat with my peer coach and we decided that even though I was hurt by the feedback I got and took it personally, I was not a quitter and I would coach her instead.
For whatever reason that breakdown was exactly what I needed, everything transitioned seamlessly after that. The coaching, the emotional connecting, everything clicked. I had had a barrier and a disconnect from feeling close to God and I think getting to that point and after that breakthrough I just allowed everything I was trying to carry myself to be released. It has been several weeks since that occurred, but I do remember feeling at peace, and coming to a hard realization that would put my strength and my discipline to the test in order to beat my eating demon for good (which I still haven’t done, but that is a whole other discussion in itself!)
In coaching we talked about take away messages, and how having a take away from a Aha moment gives it more meaning to you and allows you to remind yourself of the simple truth whenever you need to.
My take away was simple, and it was what everyone had been telling me and I had been hearing for awhile, but for whatever reason I didn’t get it until I GOT it.
Emotions are blessings.
Being able to feel emotions in a deep and powerful way is a blessing.
I am reminded of Jesus having strong emotions and not trying to hide them, he openly was both angered and sad at one point or another.
“Jesus wept.” John 11:35
B)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>the money-changers and the seats of those who sold <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-23836C" data-link="( and drove out all who sold and bought in the temple, and he overturned the tables of <span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-ESV-23836B" data-link="(C)” style=”box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;”>pigeons. you make it a den of robbers.” Matthew 21:12-13
The thought then occurred to me that I did not need to judge emotions as good or bad or try to not feel them, but instead let myself feel every emotion and not suppress them. I know it sounds simple in theory, but in reality it is much harder. I have walked a path of coping all of my life and now I’m trying to create a new path of coping that can override the well beaten path in which, while dysfunctional, was my normal and predictable pattern. Dysfunctional becomes normal and known, and it is your security, because you know how to adjust and behave and do so from either point of extremes.
Ahh but what happens when you leave that well beaten path and create a new one? A path that is unfamiliar and unpredictable. This requires intention and effort as taking the old path is more or less “automatic” and easier to do. Where would I get this intention and effort to make a new way?
Faith. Unwavering, humbling, gracious, and fearless faith. I’ve hear people say that faith is the absence of fear, I think that faith is pressing on IN SPITE of your fear. It is having those thoughts of doubt and feeling unsure, but instead of indulging in those thoughts, choosing to press on into what you are called to do as a child of Christ.
I know that I have some reoccurring themes in my blog posts, as these are the things I am most passionate about. Taking all that I know and all that I have experienced and putting complete faith in God, allows him control my life and because I know my father loves me, I feel a sense of relief to not have to try to orchestrate my life. instead it was planned long also.